the things i should've said

i am not a fly
and i haven't been stepped on
im sitting right here at the table next to you
how can you be so heartless
kids can be cruel but i hope you look back on this day with so much shame
and you'll be the one who's embarassed and ashamed
but i wont look down on you for it
because im better than you

I always have been

things people say when they think you're not listening

i heard she fucked 5 guys at the same time
how is that even possible
maybe she'll fuck me too
you know she wasn't really raped
i know those guys
they wouldn't hurt a fly
like literally dude i saw this guy avoid stepping on a fly the other day
no one would rape some chick then have an issue stepping on a bug
shes a liar man
just embarassing herself
trying to ruin lives because she did something she regrets

1

trying to wash you from me

how long will it take to be okay?

I could never forgive but I need to forget

how can i grow when i feel so small?

love

You don't know the first thing about love
and maybe I don't either
but I know that there is no love inside of you
because I looked hard
for a long time
and I couldn't find a thing.


So even if I never know what love is
I'll know that I have felt it
I must have
because if not
I wouldn't have tried so hard
to find love in you

I wrote this at 14

14 is like spoiled milk


it's like a really bad joke and you're the only one laughing.


being 14 means that


you never look pretty on a school day


14 means that when you go to sleep


you pray that you will wake up as someone else


with new parents


with a new life

EMDR

she taps her pen against your knees


left knee right knee


don't open your eyes


she says





tell me the first thing you remember





you tell her about


how much


you wanted them to like you


how scared you were


to push their hands away





what are you feeling right now





you push your feet down harder


hoping the floor will open up


and give you a place to hide


you relax your jaw


slow your breathing


you tell her the same lie you always do





i don't feel anything

First Kiss

smear on makeup heavy and dark

we need to look older

smarter

cooler

meet them at the park down the street

dont act too excited

let them think we do this all the time

take us home to your mom

feed us rum and red wine on empty stomachs

kiss us when our heads spin

kiss me till i puke red and you can't remember what you gave me to drink

is this wine or blood

stop taking advantage of me

you're drunk too

Well i've never been drunk a day in my life

your hand is in my pants and i've never even been kissed before today

please stop take me home

carry me home

kicking and screaming and begging you to leave me here

to die on the ground

im so tired

what an inconvenience this must be for you

when you have hockey practice in the morning

leave me in the dirt outside my parents front door

i'll be fine

i probably wont even remember how you stuck your hand down my pants while i puked

telling me that you were drunk too

She

She wouldn't kill herself, couldn't show that kind of weakness.


She was the girl who sat in the corner, hunched over her desk in a way that couldn't possibly be comfortable. But it wasn't about being comfortable, it was about being small. She was the girl in the faded Disney sweater that hung below her knees: baggy enough to hide her shape although there was barely anything left to hide.


In the beginning, she was crazy, happy, wild.


Afterwards, She changed. She didn't smile, she certainly didn't laugh and she seemed to stop caring. Everyone tried to understand her, tried to fix her, but she didn't want to be fixed.


The details don't matter. They never do. No one really wants to hear about how damaged their little girl is. Sure, they encouraged her to talk, see a doctor, see a therapist. Anything she needed, anything she wanted. The only thing she wanted was to go back to how things were.


Maybe if someone had warned her, told her that bad things could happen to good people… Told her that it didn't change who she was, maybe things would have been different. That's what they all tried to tell her when it was all said and done, but it didn't matter anymore. She was far too fragile, too easy to break, one night was all it took.


She wouldn't listen to reason, it didn't matter how many people told her it wasn't her fault, that time would heal her wounds. It was and it wouldn't. Nothing would get better, she didn't know if she even wanted it to be better.


That's why when she disappeared, she was happy.