I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to be okay I'm so fucked up. I fall in love with every man who speaks to me kindly. I have all these wild fantasies of people falling over themselves to be loved by me. I crave their affection, their desperation. I trick men into loving me, make myself into the woman they've always dreamed of, just so I can get high off the sweet nothings they whisper into my ear, and their tears and pain as I inevitably leave them behind. I fuck everything up and no I'm not saying this because I feel badly about myself I'm saying it because it's true, I do it on purpose. I've done it as long as I can remember. I toy with people. I fuck with their emotions. I want to hurt them so they can't hurt me. I want to pop in and out of their life at will and keep hurting them over and over again so I can make sure they never forget me, that I leave permanent scars. I want them to know how cruel I am and love me anyways because they just can't fucking help themselves. I want to make men cry. I want to see them beg. And I want to tell them no. What happened to me? What made me this way? Why doesn't anyone notice how badly I'm hurting?

Transaction

 It makes sense now, looking back,

That I always viewed sex as transactional.

Sex for attention

Sex for love

Sex for friendship

Sex for safety

Was there ever any sex for pleasure?

I don't remember, so probably not.

Is it fucked up that I'd rather get myself off while my boyfriend watches tv in the next room just so I don't have to look him in the eyes when I cum?

the things i should've said

i am not a fly
and i haven't been stepped on
im sitting right here at the table next to you
how can you be so heartless
kids can be cruel but i hope you look back on this day with so much shame
and you'll be the one who's embarassed and ashamed
but i wont look down on you for it
because im better than you

I always have been

things people say when they think you're not listening

i heard she fucked 5 guys at the same time
how is that even possible
maybe she'll fuck me too
you know she wasn't really raped
i know those guys
they wouldn't hurt a fly
like literally dude i saw this guy avoid stepping on a fly the other day
no one would rape some chick then have an issue stepping on a bug
shes a liar man
just embarassing herself
trying to ruin lives because she did something she regrets

1

trying to wash you from me

how long will it take to be okay?

I could never forgive but I need to forget

how can i grow when i feel so small?

love

You don't know the first thing about love
and maybe I don't either
but I know that there is no love inside of you
because I looked hard
for a long time
and I couldn't find a thing.


So even if I never know what love is
I'll know that I have felt it
I must have
because if not
I wouldn't have tried so hard
to find love in you

I wrote this at 14

14 is like spoiled milk


it's like a really bad joke and you're the only one laughing.


being 14 means that


you never look pretty on a school day


14 means that when you go to sleep


you pray that you will wake up as someone else


with new parents


with a new life