I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to be okay I'm so fucked up. I fall in love with every man who speaks to me kindly. I have all these wild fantasies of people falling over themselves to be loved by me. I crave their affection, their desperation. I trick men into loving me, make myself into the woman they've always dreamed of, just so I can get high off the sweet nothings they whisper into my ear, and their tears and pain as I inevitably leave them behind. I fuck everything up and no I'm not saying this because I feel badly about myself I'm saying it because it's true, I do it on purpose. I've done it as long as I can remember. I toy with people. I fuck with their emotions. I want to hurt them so they can't hurt me. I want to pop in and out of their life at will and keep hurting them over and over again so I can make sure they never forget me, that I leave permanent scars. I want them to know how cruel I am and love me anyways because they just can't fucking help themselves. I want to make men cry. I want to see them beg. And I want to tell them no. What happened to me? What made me this way? Why doesn't anyone notice how badly I'm hurting?

Transaction

 It makes sense now, looking back,

That I always viewed sex as transactional.

Sex for attention

Sex for love

Sex for friendship

Sex for safety

Was there ever any sex for pleasure?

I don't remember, so probably not.

Is it fucked up that I'd rather get myself off while my boyfriend watches tv in the next room just so I don't have to look him in the eyes when I cum?